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be still my beating heart [15 Mar 2006|11:19pm]
Sometimes I wonder if I'm slowly disappearing.

I find myself not wanting to be the one to talk in conversations but the one to listen instead. My love for the glamour of city life at night has begun to fade (though still there, occasionally) while future prospects of getting places more pastoral and organic have become strangely luring. I am not as attracted to the direct and loud but more to the mysterious and quiet. I find myself enjoying to be sitting on the side, avoiding the limelight, observing people and their interactions with others, mannerisms and nervous habits sticking out of place.

Will these changes be embraced?

Never have I understood so fully what Holden meant in Catcher in the Rye when he said that every time he set foot on the street and left the safe cement of the sidewalk, he felt as though he was disappearing. And every time, he'd start talking to his dead brother, Allie, hoping Allie would hear and keep him from disappearing.

Times like these I start to think about who I can talk to when I feel like I'm losing a familiar part of me that I've known for so long. Who can I turn to when I can't sort out why I feel a sense of loss?

The thing is, I know exactly who I'd turn to. It's a comforting thing... to know that no matter what (un)important changes I'm experiencing, I can crawl on my knees to my Allies, confusion seeping from the pores of my skin, only to watch them love me the same.

"Don't let me disappear, Allie. Please don't let me disappear." Be still, my beating and anxious heart. Peace is what God has given you.
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Moments that are timeless; Thank you, mom and lj [06 Jan 2006|01:00am]
In life there will be good and bad moments that will leave you speechless. The moments you would kill to voice what you are thinking suddenly turn on you and leave you looking like a fool. I've known those moments too well.

What happens to all the things we think and feel but never speak? Where do they go? I'm scared that if I am ever to forget the joy you have brought me because of holding back so much, you will never know. And how will I ever know what is inside your heart?

But maybe that is what we're all really searching for in a friend: someone who, without saying a thing, understands your heart nevertheless. I cherish the days I can just be with someone I care about. If I had one day with you, and you only, I would enjoy the simple things. Simple things that, regardless of what there is to say, would still be precious to me: Driving for you when you're too tired. Talking on a football field. Feeling safe, ceaseless.

I love knowing that in the end when time runs out and steals the rest away, these are the things I will remember: moments like today.
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Faithfully, I will write [29 Sep 2005|09:43pm]
I haven't written in a long time. There's something that has been on my mind for quite a while now. I don't know how it got here, where it came from... nor do I know exactly when you began. The future and all the memories I know it holds feels so uncertain sometimes. And I can't stop thinking about it. It's like these thoughts have been rooted deep in my genes and have taken hold, struggling for all their worth to not let go of me. That's just how it is.

There have been many days that I can no longer sit here and wait. My nights become one continuously long dream of wonder and anxiety until I can't bear it anymore. My blood boils and my body's on fire and nothing can keep my heart's longings from overflowing and all I can do is run outside beneath the stars with my arms wide open. And the marrow of my bones has been emptied and my legs are no longer there but somewhere else, wanting to run to you and let you know how I feel. And I stand there, my life in my hands as I stare at the stars in all their brilliance.

There's something amazing about the night sky. I'm standing there not knowing what I'm looking for, answers falling from the endless expanse of black and white as "I feel like a creature driven and derided by vanity." But something tells me to not let anything I'm holding in my hands slip through the crevices and it tells me to wait for it to rain. And when it does rain, I drink forever and it's like I'm being cradled by the heavens and my vision is restored and I can see clearly again.

And through my eyes I see that you don't know a thing because I haven't yet found the words to express what I feel. Moments like these make me want to tear myself apart and search for what it is exactly that I can't describe. And I come back down to earth not knowing if I'm being obsessive or if I'm just being me and looking up back into the sky, I wonder if thoughts like these flood your mind too.

At that point, everything is a murky shade of black and blue and the rain has stopped coming. The sound of settling surrounds me and I hear whispers reassuring me that I'm only being imperfectly human. They tell me that hope and Someone greater are the only things I can cling onto right now.

And it's like something new has filled my lungs and I'm breathing deeper than I've ever done; I'm blood ridden and ready and everything is no longer uncertain. And so it is with great and wholesome knowledge that I say this: One day, someday, I'll offer everything I am to you. I'll bring you all this senseless existence I cup in the palms of my hands and say, "Here, take it. It's an ugly and beautiful thing I've been crafting and carrying for so long, waiting for the perfect moment to give to you. Please, take it as it is, because it's from my heart and it's real and it's true."
8 comments|post comment

dreams [15 May 2005|09:16pm]
i've been having dreams lately. i'm not usually one to remember dreams, but i can tell you about the ones i've been having.

they are all rather bizarre. like today when i was taking a nap i dreamt that peter hsiue was sticking needles in himself and licking the wounds like a cat lapping milk. he was by the bedside where i lay and he then proceeded to stab me with the needle and inject some unknown drug (e9047) into my veins. i woke up terrified, checked my arm for wounds, and then went back to sleep more assured.

the other day i was at some camp at the blackhawk plaza (???). liuzer and sharon were there. after dinner, all the campers were taking showers at the same time. in different stalls mind you. the whole camp just had... a billion stalls. suddenly the shower heads exploded simultaneously and water jetted out like how water spouts out of fire hydrants. and the whole place was flooded with people pouring out of stalls.

my mind really doesn't sleep when i go to bed.
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[06 May 2005|12:04pm]
self-reminderCollapse )
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[28 Nov 2004|11:40pm]
Be Thou my vision, o Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought, by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light
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[28 Nov 2004|09:23pm]
i, irene ma, witnessed the most endearing thing today on november 28, 2004.

anyway, man i've been terribly blind lately. i hope things clear up soon.

everyone should read the Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami

"Kumiko and I felt something for each other from the beginning. It was not one of those strong, impulsive feelings that can hit two people like an electric shock when they first meet, but something quieter and gentler, like two tiny lights traveling in tandem through a vast darkness and drawing imperceptibly closer to each other as they go. As our meetings grew more frequent, I felt not so much that I had met someone new as that I had chanced upon a dear old friend."
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mmm [16 Nov 2004|10:39pm]
meteor showers. i heard that they leave you starstruck. har har. i've never seen a shooting star in my life.

so. one of the advantages of having parents is that they tell you what to do and make decisions for you. but recently they haven't been telling me what to do or making any of my decisions for that matter. i feel like i've lost a manual that had set guidelines for success in life.

junior year kind of bites.
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mom's birthday [14 Nov 2004|09:31pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

today is my mom's birthday and she's halfway across the world with my dad. i need to get her something... i need some other brilliant idea. so far i've got the traditional card and flowers waiting for her on the table when she gets back.

i've realized that i'm farrrrrrrr less independent than i thought i was. there is a HUGE pile of dishes in the sink and my hamper is vomitting dirty socks and used underwear. haha i can just picture your scrunched up faces.

today was not a good day. mmm, i found out about something that makes me kind of nervous.

anyway, i'm out. i've got some neglected chores to tend to and homework to finish. happy birthday mom!!

4 comments|post comment

Along the Frontage Road [06 Nov 2004|01:59pm]
[ mood | numb ]

excerpt taken from "Along the Frontage Road" by Michael Chabon
I cannot shake the feeling that in letting ourselves be persuaded by mere facts and statistics, however damning, we made an unforgivable mistake. I had stood by once in an emergency room as doctors and nurses strapped my son, flailing, to a table to stitch up a gash in his forehead. I could picture, all too clearly, how your child looked at you as you betrayed him into the hands of strangers.


The father was coming toward us, his gait at once lumbering and methodical. When I looked at him, I saw where Andre had learned to drain the expression from his face.

What I tell you to do?" he said, softly but without gentleness. He did not acknowledge me, Nicky, the ten thousand pumpkins that lay all around us. "Boy, get back in that car."

Andre said something in a voice too low for me to hear.


"Can I get a pumpkin?" he repeated.

The question was apparently so immoderate that it could not be answered. Andre's father pulled his cap down more firmly on his head, hitched up his pants, and spat into the straw at his feet. These appeared to be a suite of gestures intended to communicate the inevitable outcome if Andre did not return immediately to the car. Andre had reset his own face to zero. He turned, walked back to the Firebird, and got in. This time he went around to the big red door on his side of the car and heaved it open.

"Your son is a nice boy," I said.

The man looked at me, for the first and last time.

"Uh-huh," he said. "All right."

I was just another pumpkin to him—dumb and lolling amid the straw bales, in the middle of a place that was no place at all. He went to the car, got in, and slammed the door. The pinging of the alarm ceased. The engine came awake with a rumble, and the Firebird went scrabbling out of the lot and back onto the frontage road. Nicky and I watched them drive off. I saw Andre turn back, his eyes wide, his face alight and hollowed with an emotion that I could not help but interpret as reproach. I had abandoned him to a hard fate, one that I might at least have tried, somehow, to prevent. But there was nothing that I could have done. I didn't have any illusions about that. I dressed and fed my child, I washed his body, I saw that he got enough sleep. I had him inoculated, padded his knees and encased the twenty-eight bones of his skull in high-impact plastic when he got on his bicycle and pedalled down our street. But in the end, when the world we have created came to strap him to a table, I could only stand behind the doctors and watch.

recently, i've gotten the full on realization that there are too many things in life that are beyond my control. you can fight and scream all you want, but when you haven't got the reins in your hands, where you're headed is not for you to decide. isn't that what the world is full of anyway? unknowns and the unchangeables. the only thing i can do is watch and learn how to be okay with them.

i'm not so sure where i'm headed in life.

there are so many things i enjoy but nothing that really stands out. but what these things have brought me, what i've been handed in life, i'm okay with. for now.

maybe someday it'll come to me and i'll magically get an epiphany that spells out a road map of where i'm headed in the future. maybe then i'll venture off to explore the uncharted seas and come back with stories full of life and color.

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oceano [21 Oct 2004|01:44am]
[ mood | drained ]

Josh Groban has grown on me.

There for me, every time I've been away
Will you be there for me, thinking of me everyday
Are you my destiny, words I never dared to say
Will you be there for me?
Just think of you and me, we could never tow the line
It's such a mystery just to hear you say you're mine
And while you're close to me, so close to me
Just hold me

When you're feeling cold and all the city streets are grey
Walking all alone and watching how the children play
Voices in the wind and faces from the past go dancing by
They're asking why

Will you be there for me, everytime I go away
Will you be there for me, thinking of me everyday
Are you my destiny, words I never dared to say
Will you be there for me?

And while you're close to me, so close to me
Just hold me

Can you really want me more than for a little while?
What are the stories hiding there behind your smile?
Wishes in a dream and figures in a world that I could share
And everywhere

Will you be there for me
Will there ever come a day when all the world can see
Things were meant to be that way
Will you be there for me?
Can you hear the people say
That you're just
There for me

so has Alicia Keys.

4 comments|post comment

garden state [11 Sep 2004|09:27am]
[ mood | creative ]

fair | remy zeroCollapse )

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haircut [22 Aug 2004|07:10pm]
[ mood | lethargic ]

i had SAT class yesterday. the longest hours of my life but guess who is in my class. joe cheng :) haven't seen him in dayyys. he doesn't pay attention to the teacher. as usual.

i cut my hair again. not a big difference, but what do you think?

i was going to highlight it to that color but i gave up on patience of sitting for another hour.
+4Collapse )
HEIDI IS BACK :) :) :)
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worship as a lifestyle [17 Aug 2004|11:41pm]
[ mood | tired ]

if you really want to know more about yugo and cbm, just ask me what it's like to be surrounded by God's will. MAN will i tell you.

i cannot come out of an experience like the one i had without a life unchanged. i cannot go back to comforming to the normalities of this world but wanting to be set apart at the same time. i cannot handle life like i used to handle. that means, you stumbling block(s) are out of here. if i'm to keep on sinning because of stumbling repeatedly on the same things, the cross is meaningless. Christ died so i wouldn't have to be this way.

thus, i will beat my flesh so spirit will take it's place. God stops at nothing short of world domination.

by His grace alone,

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YUGO [07 Aug 2004|09:56pm]
This week was the first time I felt true joy in being smack dab in the center of God's will. May I remember that joy of holding a little kid just as God holds me.

Someone had said to the speaker, Bill Drake, a phrase that has changed my life: If you're going to preach and sing like that, you better back it up with your life.

Wayne told me later on some of his thoughts.

Sometimes, having a relationship with God doesn't always mean getting closer to God. Sometimes God puts those experiences so that we may remember them as blessings. true freedom in Christ may mean making tough choices, and I'm going to do it.

Thanks for bringing Wayne into my life, God. He's not scared to say the things I don't want to hear. I owe him and You, my life.
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"I asked God..." [30 Jul 2004|02:38am]
[ mood | nauseated ]

i should really really be studying but i think i've gotten past that stage of acceptance that passing is not so possible anymore and have begun to not care. haha just kidding, optimism dangit =)

hey, i think i have ocd. i washed my hands 15 times today. i counted.

browsing ljs again. i stole this from kolina. something to think about. thank you gorilla!

I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own! but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said..Ahhhh,
finally you have the idea.

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for joshuaaaaa. josh. UA. haha friends.. [29 Jul 2004|01:18am]
[ mood | pensive ]

happy birthday joshua liu =)

what can i say? i've already told you that you were an answered prayer, but now you've become so much more than that. sometimes i sit and think about the things you said i've inspired you to do, and i can only chuckle at the irony of things. the thing is, i'm learning from YOU. inspiration! haha

the other day my mom was telling me about how there are so many potential good husbands at church. haha kind of awkward but anyhow, she was putting all the good qualities from each guy into one, and the one thing she said about you was your patience.

i can still remember that day we all went out to eat pho and your mom called asking for directions. i don't know if you knew, but i couldn't help listening to you talking to and reassuring your mom that everything was okay. you know how hectic mothers can get when they're concerned. and you ended the phone conversation with "love you."

it's hard for me to say i love you mom. don't even mention my dad. but your compassion towards everyone in general is... nothing short of awe-inspiring. haha. josh, i can't wait until i see what you're like in a few years. i've witnessed God stir in your heart something that the world cannot contain, and seeing that, the seeds of a new faith planted, makes me one of the most delighted people ever. and all this in the course of one/two years makes it even more amazing. we have a cool God.

so josh. may God continue to do great things in your life. it'll never end! HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

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poems [26 Jul 2004|11:44pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

what happened to me. i remember my family used to call me a bookworm when i was little. they used to say that there were five things you could find me doing: sleeping, eating, singing, yelling, or reading.

give me a book now and you'll find me asleep an hour later.

also, i dug up some old grade school papers. it's amusing what a fourth grader can think up. good old mrs. smith days.

check it outCollapse )

HAHA anyway, enough of hopeless romantic fourth grader irene.

i wrote a poem today.

Times like these

It's at times like these that I think of you.

Like when the sound of morning hangs in the air.
Light evades a darkened room. Scents of new beginnings.
Spirited from sleep, souls are awakened.

Or when midday hits with no warning.
Nothing but heavy thoughts in a rising summer steam.
Blurred visions of old memories come.

I think of you when evening begins to unfold.
The peak of day. Sunsets breathe.
Crickets begin their first notes of a symphony.

And especially when mind takes on another form.
Tender kisses. Your hands caress mine.
Reality is no longer a problem.

It's at times like these that I think of you.
But only at times like these.

i don't think i have improved since fourth grade. abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.

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OUT of God's presence [25 Jul 2004|05:07pm]
[ mood | okay ]

driving isn't so fun anymore. it's exciting when you first get your license. i mean, i'd go out just for the heck of turning on the ignition. but now i just want to go back to getting in the car and sleeping. haha, i can sleep anywhere.

so yesterday sharon and i went to go see nathan's tourney in san jose. haha, got lost, but luckily sharon wasn't the one leading cus we woulda ended up going north instead of south. he did great. sent a guy to the hospital and everything (poor guy though). and what, training for five months and won a fight in ten seconds or so? that savage.

i also filled up my car with gas for the first time. luckily the guy was nice and cute (haha just kidding) enough to help pathetic me. "uh.. so how do you start with ten dollars? where's the start button!?"

haha and also, sharon fell asleep on my bed while i was working on yugo stuff (by the way, pray for me). i didn't want to move the walrus so i slept on the floor.

anyway, this past week has been crazy. i thought i had it. i thought God couldn't give me a better life cus everything was going more than just okay. the stumbling blocks that never failed to trip me every single time seemed to disappear, and God was stirring in me something that i could not contain. maybe it was cus i had a mind set that God is so good, that nothing could possibily be better.

wrong. with God, things don't STOP getting better. i remember saying this before, but when God starts with you, there is no end. somehow, i lost sight of that this week and stopped waiting upon the Lord everyday.

and this is the perfect week to be an example of what happens when you leave His precense. stumbling blocks never looked taller, and demons were coming from right and left.

it's okay. jaeson said that once we started waiting upon the Lord, the devil gets jealous and will do whatever it takes to pull you down. he succeeded. forgive me.

i will bite my tongue next time. at least enough to NOT end up in san francisco at 1 AM in the morning. dude, that was scary.

cbm or no cbm? :( come on...

yesterday at dorothy's she fed me chocolate wafer things. and i also had sushi just now. wow, no sushi in forever. so now i'm hooked on chocolate wafers and sushi. chocolate... ooh chocolate.

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will you worship? still? [15 Jul 2004|10:43am]
[ mood | tired ]

do you know what's funny? i fell asleep while reading the notebook. for some reason, "her hair draped past her shoulders and her eyes glimmered everything that he had felt with his heart fifteen years ago" or something didn't seem to captivate me like sappy stories used to. haha, maybe it's just cus it's only the beginning of the novel. we'll see.

anyway, i fell asleep and i had a thought-provoking dream. in it, there were really random people at a retreat/conference/whatever you want to call it. just like fred had talked about expectancy, i stepped into the sanctuary ready for a huge "session" of worship. and what i saw surprised me. no one was singing, and basically, like ezekial's vision, that it was full of dead and dry bones. the "christians" that had shared their testimonies with such passion before were the worst, and the presence of God was no where to be found.

i don't remember the next part of the dream, but i guess a few hours passed (in the dream) and i was sitting down with fred and john (how random - mr. water polo player from my bio class) and i know a whole bunch of other people too, but i can't seem to recall their faces. we were talking, you know, free time talk, and worship music started playing. and immediately, fred like - walked out. and everyone started following his example. (fred, btw, my man this is nothing that is supposed to foreshadow anything of the future. haha or maybe there is - that i'll miss your presence at church the next couple of weeks man!)

you know, a lot of people are going away the next few weeks, and now that God has put my heart on fire for Him, i woke up with the question: that if everyone else walks away, would i stay? if at our church, the next few weeks while i'm still here and not as many people show up at church - would my passion still not die?

i've decided that no, it's always for an audience of one. and that either way - if there be a thousand people people on FIRE for Him or a billion dead bones in the sanctuary that aren't seeking God, i'll still say to myself: NO. THERE HAS GOT TO BE SOMETHING MORE. something more to live for.

and there is.

man. jaeson was right. it really does take discipline. which i lack.

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